


Starting With You

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Camelot, Canon Era, Canon Related, Closeted Character, Comfort, Confessions, Drama, Ealdor, Feels, Fights, Forgiveness, Gay, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love, M/M, Magic Revealed, Male Slash, POV Arthur, POV First Person, Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Soulmates, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 01:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3590721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I believed, more than ever, that he was made for me. He was my other half. And in every lifetime I would search him out and never again hold back. I would always be brave for Merlin."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starting With You

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

After the jousting tournament I just wanted to get back to my room. I tried to leave the conversation with Leon as quickly as I could. He stood, most of his weight being held up by a lance that dug into the dirt. Leon must have sensed my eagerness to leave because he finally ended the conversation.

Each step brought a small amount of pain to my tired feet, but I didn’t mind because each step also brought me closer to my room, which meant closer to my bed. And Merlin would be waiting for me.

I breathed in deep as I realized where my thoughts were taking me. Again to Merlin. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew I was just making it harder on myself by considering the impossible. The worst part was: it wasn’t impossible. I knew if I only said something, he would tell me he felt the same way. I was sure of that, but nothing could ever happen between us.

This is why I avoided thinking about it. It rarely ended with a happy thought.

Turning the corner to the hallway that led to my room, my stomach fell. I knew who I would see when I opened that door, and I couldn’t fight away the smile, even if I wanted to. I took my time walking that hall. I prepared myself for every scenario, planned my every word. My heart was pounding by the time I reached the door.

“Hello, Merlin.” He turned from across the room as the door squeaked open.

He smiled almost immediately, only taking time to process who it was. “Arthur.” He said simply. “How was the tournament?”

I closed the door and walked towards him, ignoring my sore feet. “It went well. Leon unhorsed three different men without getting a point scored against him.” I sat on the bed and looked up at Merlin. I didn’t want to talk about jousting with him. “How was your day, Merlin?”

He knelt before me and took off my boots. “It was fine. I finished your washing.” He gestured to a pile of clothing on a chair in the corner. “I also spoke to Lady Guinevere. She…” He looked down at the task before him. “She, um, said Uther was going to announce the engagement tomorrow.”

I could feel the pain in his voice. The pain I shared. “I can’t believe he is going to go through with that.” I grimaced.

“Aren’t you happy for the marriage, sire?” I knew what he was doing. I wanted nothing more than to accept his invitation, but I hesitated. “She is a lovely lady," he baited.

“She is, but I do not wish to marry her. I want to marry for love.” He helped me remove my shirt and I stood to meet his gaze. “There is another I love.”

His eyebrows raised with anticipation. “Is that so, Arthur?”

I took his hands in mine and knew that I couldn’t keep this inside anymore. I wasn’t positive that he felt the same way, but I would rather be wrong than live not knowing. “Merlin, there is something I‘ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I -”

“I love you too.” Merlin interjected. I couldn’t contain my own smile. Even though I had expected him to feel what I felt, hearing it brought on more delight than I could have imagined.

Before either of us could say another word, I kissed him. It was quick, but long-awaited. It felt so right. I had never craved something so badly, and I needed more. I wrapped my hands around his head and drew him in again. This time it was drawn out and passionate. Merlin pulled me in closer to his body and we both fell back on the bed. This was what I had waited for, for so long, and finally I could hold him in my arms and call him mine. My servant. My friend. And now my lover.

 

~~~---~~~

 

Nothing would hinder my spirits today. I walked down the corridors to my fathers chambers before the sun had even begun to shine. I didn’t want to wait any longer to tell him. He would not make that dreaded announcement today.

“Father?” I was already standing in his room speaking before I knew it.

He moaned as he sat up in his bed. He squinted at me through the tulle that hung from his bed frame. “What is it, Arthur?” He rubbed his eyes.

“I will not marry Guinevere. I do not love her.” There was no way I could tell him that would not make him angry, so I decided to be direct.

“What!?” He reacted as I had suspected: with anger.

I crossed my arms, attempting to stand the way he did when he had made up his mind about something. “I love someone else.”

He rose from the bed and took his robe from a nearby chair. His servant, Sam, must have heard us because he came into the room to check on the king. “Get out!” He screamed at the poor lad.

The boy ran out of the room quickly. “Don’t yell at him. It is I you are angry with.”

“Oh, trust me, you are next.” He came closer. “Don’t be a fool Arthur! Lady Guinevere will make a fine wife, and a great Queen. You are going to marry her.”

We locked eyes now, faces only inches apart. I couldn’t think of a better way to say it, so I continued with my direct approach. “I love my servant: Merlin.”

He took a few steps back. The look on his face was closer to fear than disappointment. I would have prefered disappointment, even anger, to the look he gave me. “You love… your manservant?” He barely whispered these words.

I swallowed hard and clenched my fists. “Yes, sire.”

He composed himself and went back to anger. “The boy will be executed. And the announcement of your engagement to Guinevere will be made. Get out of my sight, Arthur.”

“No!” I yelled, helplessly. “I won’t let you do this.”

His hand flew up and stopped right before it reached my face. I still flinched, a learned response to that gesture from him. “You are not my son. And I will not tolerate this conversation any longer. Guards!” I knew before they entered where I would be sent, but he reminded me anyway. “Take him to the dungeons, and bring me the servant named Merlin.”

 

~~~---~~~

 

The midday sun awoke me in a cell. I had been knocked out by one of the guards in my struggle to get away. Now, hours later, locked up, I was certain there was no saving him. What had I been thinking? Did I really expect Uther Pendragon to listen to reason? Merlin was dead because of my arrogance.

There often was a waiting period for executions. A small feeling of hope began to sneak into my mind. Maybe not all was lost. The executioner was stubborn and would only rush an execution if the king gave explicit orders. Would Uther remember this in his anger? I hoped he had forgotten.

A few anxiety-filled moments passed before I heard a noise at the end of the hall. The door had opened and I could hear several pairs of footsteps making their way to my cell. My father stood before me with some small-seeming guards behind him.

“Stand, Arthur," he said, more as a father than as a king. I remembered a time when I was younger. He had an outburst similar to the one today. Only this was about something childish. In his anger he struck me and sent me to my room. He came to me about an hour later and he wore the same look on his face that he brought with him now: he was about to apologize. I could only hope he was apologizing for his outburst, and his outburst alone.

“Father,” I said softly as my lip began to quiver. “Where is Merlin?”

He didn’t respond right away, and it was all I could do not to cry right then. Finally, he spoke. “He is fine, Arthur. I let him go.”

A wave of relief rushed over me and I let out the sob that I was holding back. He was all right. Nothing else he could say could disappoint me, as long as Merlin was unharmed. I quickly pulled myself together and looked up at my father. “Can I see him?” I asked meekly, knowing the response.

“I’m afraid I cannot let that happen, Arthur. He was ordered out of Camelot, never to return.” Somehow I understood. Only moments ago I was certain Merlin was dead; surely, banishment was the better of the two. “The engagement has been announced, and I will need you at the celebration tonight.”

He turned to leave and I knew I was getting off lucky. There was nothing more I could do to change any of this. Merlin was safe, or at least alive. I stood and brushed myself off. I followed the guards down the hall and towards my room. As much as I hated it, this was the best possible scenario, and I had to let it happen. Uther had won, and I wasn’t going to fight it anymore.

 

~~~---~~~

 

There was a man waiting for me in my chambers. He was chubby, and well dressed. He was laying out my clothes, and I could only guess he was to be my new manservant.

“Hello?” I tried to state it nicely, but I instantly hated him. “What is your name?” I asked, hoping I could hide my rudeness. Really, it wasn’t his fault.

“George.” He said in a Saxon accent.

I looked back at the guards behind me and waved them away. “Alright George, let’s get this over with,” I sighed.

“Yes, my lord,” he said sheepishly.

He washed and clothed me without a single word. I liked the silence, because I could fill it with my own thoughts and forget that it wasn’t Merlin with me now. But as much as I tried, I could not bring myself to think of anything but Merlin. No one could ensure me of his safety, and I couldn’t shake the urge to go and find him. I had to know that my father wasn’t lying.

“Do you know what happened to my old servant, George?” My curiosity finally overcame me.

He shifted nervously. “I do not, my lord.” He smoothed out my sleeves and took a step back to admire his work. Something about him irked my to my very core.

“Thank you, George. You are excused.” He bowed and exited as quickly as he could. He didn’t like me either. Good.

Now alone in my room, I realized this was my only chance to find Merlin. It was foolish, but if I didn’t go now, I would never know for certain. And I couldn’t live without knowing. He would go to Ealdor to be with his mother, and I had to make my decision now. Even though it was hardly a decision. I was going.

 

~~~---~~~

 

Slipping past the guards was just as easy as it had been when I was a child. I would head off into the woods unnoticed more often than Uther would care to admit. It was funny how easily I could escape without my father even suspecting.

I had traveled till nightfall before I reached the small village where Merlin had grown up. A soft glow came from Ealdor, and I could feel my excitement grow. I knew he was there. He just had to be. The worries in Camelot had long faded on my journey here, and being so close only brought me hope. I picked up my pace and began to hurry to the village.

I looked around, hoping to regain my memories of the one time I had come to Ealdor with Merlin. I tried to recall the cottage where his mother, Hunith, lived and was almost sure I knew. I walked unconfidently towards the house with the chickens in the front, but before I could knock I heard a familiar voice.

“Arthur?” he whispered from across the road. My heart's rhythm increased and I turned quickly toward the sound.

A smile spread across my face. “Merlin!”

He staggered slowly towards me: he was limping. As he stepped into the light, I could see a bruise on his eye and a scratch  on his cheek. I felt as if someone had hit me in the stomach with a lance, and a lump formed in my throat. All I could do was shake my head.

“I can’t believe you are here.” He hugged me tight, and I gently placed my arms around him. I began to shake with anger and concern.

“What happened, Merlin?” I put my hands on his shoulders and could feel him shaking too.

He looked at the ground and mumbled. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“This isn’t nothing, Merlin. Tell me what happened!” My hand pulled his chin up so he could look at me, but he was silent. “He can’t harm you now, Merlin. I won’t let him.” He nodded and took my hands in his. “He can’t keep me from you, no matter how hard he tries. I will not leave you, Merlin.” He blinked and looked back at the ground.

I understood his uncertainty, but it truly broke my heart to see him that way. I would do anything to make him feel safe, but how could he after what Uther put him through? And it was my fault. I should have been with him. I should have kept him safe.

“I am so sorry, Merlin. This is my fault. I should have -”

“Don’t, Arthur. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. It was unavoidable. What you did, telling Uther, that was... I wouldn’t have wanted you to lie about us.” He cocked his head and pushed back a smile. “I’m glad you told him.”

I kissed him softly, trying my best to avoid any additional pain. Then I took his hand and we walked together back to his house. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but I had Merlin, and if that was all I had then I had everything.

 

~~~---~~~

 

Waking up on the floor of Merlin’s cottage was comforting, despite my physical discomfort. Merlin was up before me, and was already preparing breakfast. When he saw that I was awake he gestured to a sleeping Hunith and put his finger over his lips. He turned again to the apples and cheese he was cutting up.

I came from behind him and slowly enveloped his waist in my arms. He flinched in pain and I quickly backed away. “I’m sorry, Merlin.”

“Don’t be. I…” He didn’t even look up. I could sense his growing detachment and I only blamed myself. I didn’t deserve to be here with him.

“I’ll let you get back to that.” I said hastily, and exited before he could respond.

The air outside was cool and crisp and there was a fog in the air. My concerns began to fade as I closed my eyes and breathed it in. I was safe from my father here, there was no way he could know that Merlin’s mother lived here. Or at least I hoped that was true.

Merlin came out the door and immediately hugged my arm. I looked at his soft dark hair and kissed it gently. “I wish I knew what to do, Merlin.”

“You are here. And that’s all I could have hoped for.”

I turned to face him now and touched his hands where I knew it was safe. “Really?”

He nodded quickly and kissed my cheek. “I’m glad you are here.”

My confidence returned to me all at once in that moment. I was going to bring Merlin back to Camelot. I would not marry Guinevere. I would deal with my father. And somehow, through it all, I would be with Merlin. No matter what.

 

~~~---~~~

 

It was nearing sundown when we left Ealdor. Merlin said goodby to Hunith and we saddled a horse. In my rush to leave the castle I was lucky enough to remember my sword and I was thankful for it now. I wouldn’t let anything happen to Merlin and I would do anything in my power to ensure that. Hunith was kind enough to pack us food for our journey, though with a horse it would only take an hour or two. We mounted together and Merlin held on to my waist. It felt like my other half was riding with me, and I had never felt so comfortable.

As we rode through the trees I told him about what my father had done to me. I didn’t want him to talk to me if he didn’t want to, but I wanted to know what my father did to him. I needed to be sure I could protect Merlin. I tried not to pressure him, but finally I asked again.

“Your father is a cruel man," he said absentmindedly. “I was in your chambers when they took me." Merlin didn’t seem to be consciously speaking. His voice sounded distant, and it worried me. "I didn’t know what was happening at first, but I could guess. I saw you leave in the morning and I wasn’t sure until that moment what you had done. At first, I did blame you. I wished you would have never said anything to Uther. But what happened to me next was something so harsh I knew that you couldn’t possibly have predicted it.”

He paused and I slowed the horse to a stop. “They started with just their fists. I thought it was over, but then they pulled out their swords. Only one decided to use the sharp end, but the rest were so violent, I couldn’t decide which was worse. I just curled up and thought of you; I thought of how perfect that night was, and how I wouldn’t change any of it. I held my head to my knees, and waited for it to be over. Somehow, when it was finished, that was what gave me strength the get up and keep going.”

When he finished, he looked as if he had just woken up from a dream and suddenly realized we were stopped. I dismounted and paced the ground below him. I tried to find the words to describe how truly sorry and angry I was, but all I could do was pace.

“How could he… Merlin, I…” I stopped and looked at him as he dismounted too. I could feel myself giving into my sadness. His blue eyes peered back at me and I was moved towards him by his look.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and offered me a smile. After all that he still gave me a smile. “But I am here. I am all right. And I am with you. We will face Uther together now. We are stronger together, Arthur.”

He pulled me in for a kiss, but I looked down. “Merlin, I…"

"What's wrong?" He asked softly.

I didn’t look up. "I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.” I let him lead my hands to avoid any of his wounds. He kissed me softly, but I couldn’t get my mind off of his story.

“Merlin.” I was ashamed of myself for turning him down. I was ashamed of my father. All I could do was look at the ground. My hands were on his back and I brought him closer to me. My chin rested on his shoulder as I spoke. “Merlin, what my father did to you was unthinkable.” I pulled away and looked at him now. “It was monstrous and I am so sorry. I wish there was a way I could take it back.”

“Arthur…”

“Please, Merlin. Let me finish.” I whispered. “I love you Merlin, and I acted rashly. I shouldn’t have told him the way I did. I put you in danger, and I should have thought about my actions.” I scratched the back of my head and took a deep breath. “You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I wish that my father was more accepting of what we have. I would do anything to take back what he did to you.”

He stared back at me and nodded. I needed to say that more than he needed to hear it. He knew it, everything in the way he acted suggested he knew that, but he humored me and said, “Thank you, Arthur.” I kissed him on the hand and turned to get back on the horse. But he pulled me back to him and shook his head. “Not yet,” he whispered pulling me in, and this time I gave in.

I let him control the moment and slowly learned where I could touch him. It was dark now and the trees hid any remaining light from the sun. We sank to the ground together and he moved on top of me. Before I could fully remove his shirt, he winced with pain. I stopped immediately and sat up.

“Don’t stop.” He said sheepishly.

“What do you want me to do?” I stroked his ear lovingly and tried to hide my worry.

“I just don’t want this to change anything. I don’t want you to feel like…”

I was on my knees and leaned in closer to him. “Merlin, nothing could change the way I feel about you. And right now, I don’t want to hurt you. So can we just get back on the horse?” Stroking his cheek softly I traced the lines of his forming scar and bit my lip.

“No.” He said stubbornly and looked me in the eye. I realized then he had been crying. My eyes mirrored his, and I could feel them moisten. “Just sit with me. I don’t want to go back yet.”

My chest sank with the realization of what he was too scared to say. I was thinking too selfishly, even after the story he just shared. Why would I want to bring him back to a place where he had just been abused?

“Merlin, I didn’t realize…”

“Just sit with me for a moment, Arthur.” He begged.

We sat against a tree together. His head rested on my chest and moved with each breath I took. Soon he was asleep. I didn’t know what to do next, so I relaxed and made myself comfortable for the night.

 

~~~---~~~

 

It was still dark when I woke with a start to a noise in the woods. Upon opening my eyes, I saw someone crouched close to us. Merlin sat up quickly and we both moved frantically, Merlin away from and I toward the man. Too late, I realized that his hand was around my sword and as I lunged toward him, he darted off into the woods. I lept up in pursuit.

When I caught up to him, he whirled and threw a punch, but it hit my jaw and I did not fall. Smiling, he used my own sword to thrust at me. I dodged and moved in closer, within arm’s length. While he brought his sword arm back, so that he could swing again, I tackled him to the ground, pinning his arm beneath him.

He grinned and used his free arm to pull a dagger on me. My movement to avoid the blade freed up his other arm and he managed to roll us over to that he was on top, his blade at my throat. I tensed, but his strength matched my own.

Before anything more could happen, I heard leaves crunching and then Merlin’s voice. His spell sent a wall of force that threw the man off of me. I started to sit up, but I felt dizzy and the trees above me began to spin. Then they slowed and faded. The last thing I saw was Merlin’s concerned face over mine, speaking incoherently.

 

~~~---~~~

 

I awoke in my bed, and at first I thought it was all a dream. The silk sheets were welcoming, but worry filled me instantly. “Merlin?”

“He’s not here.” I heard a voice from across the room. My father stepped forward and I could see he had been crying.

“Father?” I thought possibly it was a trick, but his face was genuine.

He came and sat on the bed next to me. “I am so sorry, Arthur. I have behaved foolishly.” He rubbed his eye. “I am just glad you are all right.” He embraced me as if he hadn’t seen me in months.

“What is going on, Father?”

He sat up straight and blinked rapidly. “Merlin brought you back. He said you had been attacked in the woods. I just wanted you safe, Arthur. I didn’t mean to drive you away. I didn’t mean…” He looked down and couldn’t hide his shame. “I’m sorry about Merlin too.”

I gathered my energy and sat up. “Where is he?”

Realizing I would not speak to him till I saw Merlin, he looked at a guard and motioned him to open the door. My father stood and took a step back. Merlin looked at either guard nervously and then rushed to my side.

“Thank the gods.” I breathed as I held onto Merlin tightly. As he pulled away and I noticed the bruise and scar had faded. “You… Your face…” I stammered.

“It’s been a week, Arthur.” Merlin mumbled. He looked guilty, and I remembered why.

I looked at my father standing awkwardly by my desk. “Could we have a moment?” I pleaded. Without a word, the king exited and brought the guards with him.

“Has it really been a week?” I questioned in disbelief.

Merlin looked down and wrung his hands. “I’m so sorry, Arthur. I didn’t mean to knock you out, too. And the spell was so much stronger than I had intended… I -”

“You look so much better,” I smiled. “Are you feeling better?” He was confused at first, but readily took my hand.

He returned my smile, but then became serious. “I’m sorry, Arthur.”

“Don’t you dare.” I said reflexively. “You did the right thing. Don’t ever apologize for that. Come here.” He moved into his position on my chest and I kissed his thick, dark hair. After a moment I broke the silence. “How has Uther let you stay here?”

Merlin chuckled and sat up to face me, cross legged on the bed. “Well I didn’t exactly tell him the whole story.” He cocked his head and gave an innocent half-smile. “I told him I had found you and rescued you. He was so grateful to see you that he ignored my banishment. After a few days, you still did not wake and he became desperate. He called in Gaius, who treated you efficiently. Uther said he would repay him in any manner, so Gaius asked for me to be spared. Uther agreed to let me stay in Camelot. After that, I was finally allowed to see you and took every opportunity to visit you since.” Merlin squeezed my hand. “I couldn’t forgive myself for what I did.”

“Merlin...” I placed my hand on his shoulder and tried to covey everything I felt as I looked at him.

He smiled knowingly. “Something has changed in him, Arthur… You should talk to Uther.” He smiled again and kissed me before leaving.

Uther entered again, this time more composed. He pulled up a chair to the side of my bed. “Arthur, I want to talk to you.”

I prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best. “What is it, Father?”

“I want nothing more than your happiness. I am not proud to admit it took you almost dying for me to figure that out. You are my son, and I want to see your every desire filled.” He seemed to be thinking as he went, but I knew he was speaking from the heart. “Merlin has been here for you; he was by your side the whole time. He cares for you, Arthur. He cares for you in a way that I have not seen since your mother was alive.” His eyes grew distant for a moment with a fond memory. “You should be with him, Arthur.”

I placed a reassuring hand on the king's knee. “Do you really mean that, Father?” His smile told me that he did and I let myself believe it. Maybe this was the dream. The joy I felt from the news overpowered my lingering anger. Now, I was to make Merlin mine.

 

~~~---~~~

 

After a day in bed I decided to roam the castle. Everyone acted as if I had risen from the dead. I went to see Guinevere, who was surprisingly understanding of the whole situation. She even looked slightly excited about the news of me and Merlin.

I had gained strength easily, and now I was back in my chambers with Merlin.

“Want me to read it to you?” He was sitting at my desk, writing my speech for tomorrow. His small pale hands held the paper as he turned to me.

I smiled and came behind the chair he sat in. “I’m sure it’s perfect.” My chin rested on his head, and he reached for my hand. I pulled him up and twirled him around to face me.

“Do you want some water?” He asked, cheekily.

I moved the chair with my knee and stepped into him. “Didn’t I ask you to stop behaving like a servant?”

“I don’t have to do what you say, then. I’m not your servant, I can act however I want.” He teased.

My forehead touched his and I looked down at his nose. “Then don’t ever change. Always act like you, because that’s who I love.” Rather than allowing him to respond, I kissed him. His response was in his touch. I remembered our first kiss and how much I craved his lips for another. I couldn’t pull away, and neither of us made an effort to.

I believed, more than ever, that he was made for me. He was my other half. And in every lifetime I would search him out and never again hold back. I would always be brave for Merlin.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was Tamara's second fic, trying out the first person perspective.


End file.
